She said to me, “I know you’ll always be there for me, but what happens if you die?”

Whoa. Reality check.

With my moods constantly fluctuating, it’s so hard to know what I want, when I want it, what I’m going to do… all those questions. Relating to the quote I posted below, it’s so unpredictable when this “enemy” will seize me and control my thoughts and feelings, when I’ll feel depressed and cry and scream.

I’ve felt serious about suicide only twice, and I’m seriously shaken up each time. The most recent one was last night. I was lying in bed and I was clutching onto the bars (my headboard isn’t solid it’s got bars) and crying and I was saying to myself “It wouldn’t be so bad, what if I ended it right here right now? Ended my misery? My parents misery? My burden to everyone? My mom would just find me in the morning and all would be okay.” The fact that I knew I was seriously contemplating my own demise made me cry harder and made me more angry with myself, and I felt so trapped and alone and helpless, it seemed like the bars were the only strong thing around me. Being clean for a month, I no longer had my drugs and cigarettes and alcohol to lean on. Although I may have self inflicted recently, I knew it was stupid and didn’t want to get back to leaning on that as well. All my friends had hung up on me saying “you’ll be okay” and then leaving, just like that.

It’s weird. I’m at a new school and I have new friends whom I’m so much happier with, yet I’m more depressed. People at my old school comment on how happy I seem but I can only smile and think of my most recent depression where I found myself on the floor of my room with the same story: collapsed, broken, and alone.

I’m tired of people saying “I’ll be okay”. Jackie says it. My friends say it. My councellor says it and everyone else around me says it. Affirmations work, but this one doesn’t. It’d be nice if it came true for once.

No one deserves to feel so shitty that they feel like they want to die. No one deserves to feel alone in those times.

And because I know what it’s like, I will do everything in my power to help other girls and will put all of my effort into this project to stop the collapsing.

There are only so many times something can be shattered before the pieces can’t be fixed.

Someone can only tread and keep their head above the water before drowning.

I’m safe for now, but who knows when I’ll get pulled under?

Got a secret can you keep it swear this one you’ll save? Better lock it in your pocket takin’ this one to the grave… – Secret by The Pierces

-Richler.

I’ve been reading the freedom writers diaries recently. The movie with Hilary Swank was inspired by it and there are a few excerpts that I thought might apply to some people.

“I Have a problem. For the past two years I’ve been tormented by an illness that runs in my family … Now this illness, our family’s enemy, has returned to claim yet another victim. Against my will, I have been taken prisoner, and feel like I’m being punished for a crime I did not commit. My worst nightmare is now becoming my reality. Suicide is something that’s alway on my mind, “24/7.” There isn’t a day that goes by without the enemy shooting suicidal thoughts through my mind. I am left injured and confused. Without notice the enemy takes control of my mind and body and I become its puppet. My thoughts, as well as my feelings, are re-created into my worst fears. I Start crying and screaming for no reason, raging with unexplainable anger stored deep inside of me. Then I am left feeling worthless, without any hope of living.”
- Diary 58

I thought I might share it because I know I can relate to some of it. And I’m sure someone else will be able to as well.

-Richler.

Community Fairies are like Fairy Godmother’s who go around to watch out for the world.. These fairies are hard working, law abiding magical entities who believe in the importance of the community involvement and presence in every day life. They support individuals, group projects, and show compassion and understanding to those in need…

Marissa, Verdann, and Ester's Community Pixie

Richler, purple V, and NC's community fairy

Tina, Maya, and Ashley's Fairy

Community Fairy characterstics

After creating these fairies, the group discussed how they realized they had some of these characterstics and how the ones that they didn’t yet share with others they could start to contribute to their communities.

By overcoming some of their barriers and limitations they can now start to spread their wings a little more in the communities that they are involved with at school, with friends, and families.

Identifying with these characterstics changes they way we think we are and gives us a little more hope on what we can offer others…

So what is all this bloggin about lost friends, addiction, longing for love, and fighting to stay afloat?

The Passion Team are a group of young women working through life in their teen years. They have experience in so many areas of life and have so much to offer the world.

Over the last month the team and I have been working through self awareness workshops called the Elements of Success. Starting from Self Evaluating who they are to Understanding their self imposed limitations to taking the courage to dump the “bricks” that they have been carrying around.  Who would have thought that a group of completely diverse girls could get together for a common purpose (to help others and raise awareness on issues young women face) and discover they really have some much in common and so much to offer the world around them.

Tonight we talked about community and the importance it plays in our lives ;in present and in future. They were asked to create Community Fairies… Imaginary fairies that protect communities in the world. The results made me proud to say I was part of this group and confident in what they had to offer their upcoming endeavours.

We will continue to truck.. To look a little deeper, smile a little brighter, and reach out a little further.

The are the Passion Team… Diverse, beautiful, strong, giving, supportive, and above all REAL girls with REAL lives looking for a REAL Future…

As the Executive Director and Founder of the Passion Foundation Society and this team I could not be more proud of this group, their commitment and their willing to re-evaluate who they are, where they are going, and how they can work as a team to help others…

Stay tuned for more blogging, pictures, and their work….

A few of us from the Passion Team

-

PassionGirl… Loretta Cella

Our Stars

Community is about different people coming together

Cocaine is fresh in my system, and I take a long, hard sip from a bottle of unknown liquor. I sigh of relief, sit down against the wall, bring my knees to my chest and begin to cry. OUt of the corner of my eye I notice the razor blade, my best friend, my worst enemy: the sole object that represents what makes me happy and what makes me miserable. I use it for what I know best, and a mark joins the other 15. Life for me is just a bunch of highs and lows, ups and downs, happy moments and miserable hours. I didn’t get accepted into rehab, my life no longer has a purpse. I just sit here and get high to pass the time. I rink to have done something, and I cut to feel something, and to take the pain away. My parents kicked me out of the house, telling me I was a burden and I’m dead to them. They told me never to come back, never to speak to them, and never to show my face.

Don’t you see? I’m worthless. My boyfriend is my drug dealer who couldn’t care less if I were dead, I’m already dead to my parents and I’m barely another face in society. The razor is the only thing I can depend on; it lets me feel, it takes away the pain, and makes me smile. I live in a dump where I waste my life getting high and drunk to the point where everything is numb; I cut until I bleed and feel it; and I cry until it hurts. I’m stuck here for life, the rehab centre said I’m too much at risk of a seizure and I have to come back in a week having been sober. I can’t do a week! I don’t even know if I can live through tomorrow. My life is the same thing day after day, hour after hour, high after high, high after low.

What saddens me is that I know that there are other people just like me, people who live in dumps getting high and drunk to pass time and bring their death closer to them. Oh what I would give to meet someone who knows the pain I feel, who understands it, can show me love and friendship and kindess. I’ve forgotten those feelings, they’re all just words to me now, just faded memories. I don’t remember them, but I remember I was happy, trite, fulfilled, content… and innocent. Innocence is a word of no importance to me now. What innocence is there left? My boyfriend rapes me, I do drugs by the hour, drink by the bottle, and cut by the scar. Hour after hour, bottle after bottle, scar after scar, nothing changes. I’m still nothing, I have no one, I have no innocence, no life, no meaning. I am dead.

Some say it’s going to get better… But it won’t. I have to be clean for a week with no one to help me, guide me, save me. Hell seems like a paradise to me, and my death is coming faster and faster with every needle injection. I used to go to church, believing some angels would guide me and some man named God would keep me safe. Am I so safe now? What kind of guidance have I had? I’m 17 and I weigh 90 pounds, cocaine is my drug, vodka my poison, the razor my only friend. Angels have long left me and God has long since given up on me. I thought my parents were my angles until they lost hope, and now, so have I. I need treatment, I need a friend, I need out of here. I need forgiveness, a reason to live, a new chance. I need love.

——————————————————————-

This piece is completely fictional. I shared it at a school coffee house but was later told that it was too honest and brutal. The coffee house was 13+, at 13 they’re mature enough to hear this if they’re not already being dragged into this lifestyle. Maybe not immediately at this stage, but on the way. It outraged me. Schools have countless speakers come in to talk about stress but no one talks honestly about what happens with drugs. If miraculously someone brings up drugs, it’s saying DON’T DO DRUGS, DRUGS ARE BAD. Correct me if I’m wrong but the majority of people in the lower mainland are extremely aware of that. Not really inspired by anything, this is just something I wrote one night.

Title is from Stranger Than Fiction.

-Richler.

Recently what we’ve been discussing is change, so I think I’ll jump the bandwagon.

Along with the previous author, I am not the same person that I was back in grade 8 and the beginning of grade 9. I was a lot happier, certainly more naïve, and I laughed a lot more. In the winter of grade 9, exactly around the time of my birthday, my 2 best friends ditched me. They stopped talking to me, they stopped looking at me, they moved away in the classes we had together. One of them started being really nasty, posting notes about me on Facebook saying how horrible of a person I am and how they were waiting for my birthday to leave me and how everyone’s just nice to me out of sympathy. She then tagged the few friends I had at the time in the note, making sure they’d read it. I was able to read it so I said commented on the note saying “if you have something to say, say it to my face”. She then started a message thread tagging more of my friends in it saying “ohhh I bet she’ll go slitslit now”. So I did. I didn’t do it for her, and I CERTAINLY didn’t do it for the attention, but I did it for self healing. A lot of people look at those who cut and go “Oh, it’s just some loser looking for attention”. No, they’re not. I’m going to use the analogy that has to do with cooking, I just had lunch. It’s like putting water in a pot. Imagine that you’re the pot and the water is your feelings and what you can handle. As you turn the heat up the water starts to boil and get hotter and hotter. Put a lid on the boiling water and you’ll boil over and become a mess. Cutting for me was like taking the lid off and bringing the water back down. I started getting into the habit of just taking off the lid and I’m sorry to say that I’ve done it almost 10 times; I have almost 10 scars on my arm.

This is where I changed. I no longer trusted anyone and I was so “boiled” that I was a mess and became hard for people to handle; everything was just a disaster. So I changed myself. I was a self centered annoying girl who loved her friends but couldn’t understand that they had their own lives away from her. Today I have so many more friends and I am now best friends and even closer with one of the girls (the really nasty one believe it or not), and made up with the other one.

Unfortunately, the story isn’t a “and she lived happily ever after”. I’m not living happily to be honest. I am now battling some form of depression that psychatrists are unable to diagnose; I’ve heard clinical depression and I’ve heard manic depression. I started feeling those lows after I lost my friends, and it kills my best friend for her to know that she might have started it all.

The lows that I feel, I’m not sure how anyone else’s is, but I know mine vary. But I’ve had some horrible lows. I’ve sat and cried for hours. I’ve had outbursts at friends shouting horrible profanities. I’ve punched walls until I bruised my knuckles. I’ve scratched at my arm with a twig when I was on a canoe trip because I was so upset and I didn’t have anything. I’ve had to be held back from traffic as I screamed to cars, “HIT ME”. I’ve wished for death. I’ve thought about how I would commit suicide, several times I’ve thought about overdosing. I used to not only take the lid off by cutting, but I started getting high as well. People can tell me that it’s going to be okay, but being high was the only way that I felt sure of it. It was a break from everything, where I could feel happy and laugh and I felt like everything was good again. I was able to laugh and smile. Even though I knew it was just the high, I felt like it brought out all the good back in me. It was a pick-up from my lows, hence I started to depend on it. Before camp I did it every day, sometimes twice a day. My mother has no clue. I even brought drugs to camp. If you go back to the first post not including the “About”, you can read about Jackie. That’s when I tried to go clean. I still got high at camp, and I drank. After camp I was clean for about 2 months before starting up again. I did some horrible things then. I started desperately texting people for crack, I agreed to sell myself for money, I lied to a lot of people including Jackie… I let a lot of people down. In a way I went back to the person I used to be, the horrible lying self centered person I was. I was smoking a LOT, I’d go out of class to smoke. I was drinking a lot too, school not excluded.

But yesterday I celebrated change. Not only was it my friends birthday, but it was 3 weeks of being clean. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve touched a cigarette, any sort of drug, a guy I wasn’t comfortable with, or alcohol. And soon I can celebrate 2 months, I’ll celebrate a change in myself where I can completely forgive my best friend and myself. I’ve been picking up my failing grades, I was failing 5 out of 8 classes. I’ve started working out and playing squash. Already I feel such a difference in my body. At the last passion meeting we were told to stand in front of a mirror and look at our selves and smile. Only months ago I would have seen a tired, still boiling over 15 year old with no self confidence who would have avoided her own eyes. But I was able to look at myself and see what I’ve overcome. I’m trying to go clean again, I’ve gone 3 weeks without smoking on my own, I have stayed sober, I have surrounded myself with guys who are around my age ad I’m comfortable with, and I have learned to fully forgive my friend.

I have successfully been able to swing the focus from all my faults to my accomplishments around them. I have been able to change and I will continue to make those changes and only for the positive.

“And now I do recall we were just getting to the part where the shock sets in and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick” – Lying is the Most Fun a Girl can Have Without Taking her Clothes Off by Panic! At the Disco

I have a newfound respect for myself in which I know I no longer have to make those decisions and feel sick about what I was doing for what I thought I wanted.

Richler.

Here I am now, a grade 11 student, 16 years old, and trying to change.

The past two years with pain, health issues, and depression have been very tough.

Two weeks ago, I had 5 people in a time frame of seven days give me the same motivating message but in different ways.

Angelina, Loretta, my boyfriend, my mom, and my sister all made an impact on me in one week.

I’ve always had the really wanted to change and get healthier and happier, but I never took responsibility into doing anything.

Angelina and Loretta spoke to the Passion Team and both shared how important it is for you to get rid of your limitations and really step out and do something about it. Get out there and make the change.

My boyfriend and mom are always telling me that they want me to get better and they always make clear to me that I’m the only one in control of my life.

It was my sister’s comment that really shook me up. I was crying in my room and not cooperating with my family. I was hungry, yet I didn’t have taste for anything in our fridge & cabinets. I was so ignorant and I expected my mom to make something for me. Christine (my 19 year old sister) entered in my room and talked to me (well at the time, she seemed super fed up so it felt like she was shouting.) She told me she didn’t understand the way I acted. Christine has dyslexia (a writing and reading disability) & ADHD and she went through a tough time learning in high school. I even remember looking at my sister when I was in elementary school, and I saw her struggle and cry with her frustration towards homework. But how she came through has really made her the strong person she is today.

She shared with me her experience of when she went to New York for one weekend in grade eleven. My mom and Christine left to New York City to go visit a doctor about her dyslexia & ADHD. She was so disappointed and irritated when she arrived back to Vancouver with only a prescribed drug. Of course, there was no cure in one day for her to be able to get through school work better. That was when it really hit her and she started to change. (of course her dyslexia never went away, but she learned how to live with it)

She sat down and said to me, “Your chiropractor, psychologist, and massage therapist are only there to get you up on your feet. The treatments and support you get are only going to do about 20% of your healing. It’s your attitude and effort to change is what makes up the rest of the 80% to get you back on track.”

I had five amazing people talk to me in seven days. Five people that cared about others and that knew that I could do it.

Loretta has really helped me self-evaluate and look at myself in different ways and points of views.

It’s about time I make the change.

- – purple V

[al]

For those of you who read the blog before, I dealt with depression because of the physical pain in my back, neck, and head.

Want to hear the bad part? I lost my best friend because of all this. She left me. I still cry about it at night.

When I went away from my school for a year, I changed. I feel like the Outdoor Education Program gave me the knowledge to be a lot more aware of what is going in the world around me. I feel like I have matured so much. And going back to my old friends, I can’t stand their racists jokes/comments and other immature things they do.

Even with my positive change of views, my after school life was full of crying and anger. My old friends noticed the change in my personality and they hated it. My friends talked behind my back and no one cared to come up to me and ask what was wrong. I never wanted to talk about it cause I knew they wouldn’t understand.

I can’t imagine making it through the past year without my boyfriend. Chris and I have been together for over 21 months (we started dating before I became depressed, and he’s helped me get through it all.) He has always been a shoulder to cry on and he always listens and is very caring.

But I’ve never really had a best (girl) friend to tell all my secrets to, but I would consider Flora my best friend. She was there for me. She was my new neighbour and she cheered me up during my worst days. We played volleyball together and she always invited me over to watch gossip girl.

Summer ’08:

I was getting better. My mood was slowly changing and things were improving for me.

I kept away my life at home away from my friends, but at the end of July, I decided to tell Flora what was going on in my life and why I acted the way I did.

She just told me

“You’re such a negative person. Whenever I hang around you, I feel like shit.”

Those were her exact words. From that day on, she didn’t invite me to anything or talk to me.

This year, I returned to my old school. I know things were getting better in the summer, but now I find that the tears keep on coming back.

My back is not healed and no other friend is close to me. The first month of school, Flora ignored me, and didn’t even make any eye contact with me. Even when I tried to ask her a question, it took me about three tries to get her to answer. She was the captain of the volleyball team, and we were both on the starting line up. The friction in between us affected the team spirit and outcome of the score.

I’ve had countless supporting people telling me to be the “bigger person” and show that her ignoring and cold attitude is not going to affect me. But do you know how hard that is? It’s MUCH easier said than done.

I find myself only hanging out with Chris at school. I know that all of my other friends don’t want to get in between Flora and I, so they just end up hanging out with one or the other. I feel like I don’t know how to communicate with them anymore. I feel like they all look at me differently, and it’s like we don’t have anything in common to talk about. I feel so excluded.

I look back at my grade ten year and wonder if going away for a year was a smart idea. It sure made my friends more distant from me, but I also feel like I’ve gotten another chance to come back, talk to people that I didn’t talk to before and not be seen as this stereotypical pretty blonde jock. I also got a chance to meet other amazing teens around the city and create new friends.

I’m starting to think, are these girls from my school even my friends? I’ve known all of them 2 to 6 years and yet; things are just not the same.

- – purple V

[al]

The title of this blog is something that has really put an impact on how I treat others after dealing with my own hard times.

I used to be this really happy, hyper, fun, active, and smart girl. My grade 8 and 9 years of high school were pretty much awesome. Back then, I would of never imagined to be in the position that I am in now. The past year and a half has been really stressful, depressing, and tough. Ever since a September day in grade nine (2006), my life has been like a chain reaction of one bad thing leading to another.

I won’t go into all the details cause that would take ages, so I’ll try to make it as brief as I can (that’ll be hard…)

If you were to compare me now (in gr11) to how I was in gr9, I’m very different. I don’t smile a lot and I’m not as energetic.

September 24, 2006 was the day that changed my high school years. I was in grade nine, and my mom and I were rear ended in a car crash. As a result from whiplash, I have scoliosis (a curve in my spine), neck pains (which gives me daily chronic headaches.)

On top of all the stresses in my family (with moving and such), I spent my grade 10 year at a new school for a one year Outdoor Education Program. Although going to school was a blast, I hid the depressed side of me away from my new friends.

I don’t like looking back to how I used to be last year, but I all I remember is crying every night. At times it felt like I was crying for no reason. When I’d cry, I’d think about all the other bad things going on in my life and past events and this made my crying worse. I started to hate myself. I called myself fat, ugly, and I absolutely couldn’t stand my personality and how weak & out of control I felt. I often talked back to my mom and shouted. I had angry outburst. I argued with my boyfriend, shouted at him, and I told him I didn’t understand why he was still with me. I just didn’t see how someone could love a person like me. I was lazy, constantly tired, not interested in anything, procrastinating, not hungry, and crying. At one point I considered cutting myself… I look back today and I’m so relieved I didn’t.

I felt alone. Frustrated. Why me? How come I had to be the one in pain? I am supposed to be training with the UBC track team right now! But I cant. I can’t run. The impact on my lower back hurts too much. If I ever try to push myself to run, I cry.

No one understands. Track is what I do. I run to relieve my stress. Running over hurdles is what makes me different from all the other track athletes at my school. I’m the track star. Well I WAS ‘the’ track star. Now I feel like nothing. I feel like I’ve lost it all. I mean, yes I am going to a chiropractor and massage therapist (which are helping with my healing process) but still… ITS BEEN TWO YEARS. I’m so fed up. I can’t stand not being as fit as I used to be.

People just don’t get it. Can you picture a life where you’re dealing with headaches every day? Back pains? Not able to sit up straight or not being able to concentrate on schoolwork? Having to take painkillers to get through a day of school? Not being able to do what you love most? with your attitude changing, marks dropping, and friends leaving…

This is not who I am. It’s been hard getting my life back.

- – purple V

[al]

On days like this where I feel lost and alone kind of like I drowning I think of you..you represent hope and ambition..you give me something to live for while I’m forever waiting. Where do I start? I wish I could tell you how much I still love you with all my heart. I miss the summer and everything we had. I want you back in my life cause it’s great having a friend like you. I miss my best friend I miss my lover I miss you. You’re thousands of miles away from me and I would walk there this very instant just to see your perfect smile. I don’t know what happened to us. All I have are my memories. I pray to god that I never have amnesia. You were my Wonder woman at one point in my life but I have to move on now. You would think that I’d be over you by now, but I’m not. It’s hard and it hurts once you truly love someone how do you unlove them? Is it wrong to hold on to them and carry them with you in your heart wherever you go?? I never told you how much you changed me. I became all yours. I am truly a better person because of you. You taught me to love, accept, support, and respect because of you I am willing to learn and to grow and to change. They say if you let something go and it comes back to you it’s meant to be but you came back to me once and you left me again. I know I acted mad and dumb while we were going out but so did you. If I could turn back time I would make things right. I had an overactive imagination. I wasn’t mature enough back then to talk things out with you and tell you what’s up. Instead I acted like a little girl by ignoring you when you would try to talk to me instead of trying to work out the conflict I acted like everything was all good even though I knew deep down that it wasn’t. I’m sorry for hurting you instead of being upfront with you. I still love you, Babe, and I hope you’re doing okay. Well, I don’t know if you care now or if you’ve lost feelings for me… I don’t know how you feel. I just know that my feelings for you are still the same and some memories don’t erase, they stay with me to have and to hold. And one of them memories that I cherish would have to be you. I have no regrets through thick and thin, ying and yang, the bad and the good times. Through it all I found love I lost love I found a friendship I lost a friendship I’ve gained and lost quite a bit and I thankful and appreciative of all those moments. Now I realize that it’s true; you really don’t ever know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I lost you and as sad as it may be it is what it is and this is just how I feel and I miss you. I’m sorry if I burdening you with this but today is just one of those days where I need to write and I started out with a blank page and next thing you know I end up with you on said blank page. Obviously it’s my subconscious telling me I needed to get this out I need to get my feelings down on paper. I know when we was together I always talked shit about love letters but I never sent them to you because I was embarrassed and ashamed because I knew that my words could never and would never amount to you. What can I say I’m a perfectionist and you in your own right are the perfect love letter. You deserve a love letter that best describes you and I suck at this feelings shit I never said I was a bomb writer but I wish I was I wish I could do you justice. Your intelligent, beautiful inside and out, funny, charismatic, kind, caring, sweet, honest………the list go’s on and on. I don’t want to bore you nor do I want to offend you I just want to share with you something I have been wanting to share with you for a long time. The blank canvas is no longer blank anymore so this is a perfect time as any. You know as well as I do that I’ve always wanted to write you a letter I always start with a blank piece of paper and then I think of you. And I think what shall I write? What poem best describes you? What words are going to amount to my angel?? And I always turn up empty I come up with nothing because I jus don’t know how to describe perfection I just know that when I think of you I think of all the possibilities I think of all my hopes and dreams my prayers and manifestations my believes and fantasies I think of you and only you all I see is you all I breath is you I live for you I’d die for you I’m all for you baby that’s all I want is to be with you and be about you and us and our family. I consider you my family and it overwhelms me it scares me but there is no where I’d rather be then in love with you, nothing I’d rather feel then what I feeling for you – all the good emotions all the bad ones I want it all because emotion is love baby and you are my love you symbolize love. I think of you and I think true contentment I think of you and I think infatuation I think of you and I think love I think of you and I think happiness I think of you and I think beautiful I think of you and I think art I think of you and I think creative I think of you and I think unique I think of you and I think my god I am so in love with that girl I think of making babies with you I think of coming home to you I think of waking up beside you I think of tripping over your shoes I think of you sleeping in my shirt I think of holding hands with you and hugging you I think of kissing you I think of making sweet love to you I think of cooking for you and shopping for you, having a bubble bath with you, snuggling and cuddling with you I think of everything and anything that involves me and you as long as I with you I’m going to be alright I could be broke or a cancer patient and as long as I got you by my side I going to rock that shit to it’s fullest. I know it’s not the best love letter I know it doesn’t do you justice but hay it’s the thought that counts right the effort that go’s in it to it this came from my heart and soul I hope you like it and if you don’t take anything away from it then that’s ok as long as you know I fucking give a shit and that you’re loved and cared for and that your not alone then I happy I jus I fucking love you nell I don’t know what to do with it or what I suppose to take from it I jus know that I’ve always loved you and more then likely always will your my first, last, and forever babe whether you my friend, my lover, my enemy, or my acquaintance, whether you hate to love me, or love to hate me, or love to love me, or hate to hate me, whether I hate to love you, or love to hate you, or hate to hate you, or love to love you, jus remember I will always love, I will always care, I will always remember, I will always be there, you’ll never be alone because I’ll always be there with you I’ll never forget I’ll never let go I’ll never move on (well not really) I’ll never stop loving or caring or hoping, believing, and praying I will continue fighting and waiting I wont give up on you I cant my heart is invested in this I love you ….

I’ve always cared and will continue caring….

Forever-waiting,

N

My Inspiration: Lenny Kravitz – I’ll Be Waiting

” There are going to be times in your life where you will meet someone and your heart will break. If you are very lucky this will only happen once but the chances are slim. The idea is that we start to develop a stronger sense of what we want, what we need, and what is healthier and as we grow up, last longer and have amazing memories to hang on to. The more we get to know how we grow and the lessons we can take with us the more we get closer to what is real and true and makes us smiling after the breaking is over. Its good to miss because we know there was something there that was real and its good to look on knowing that there will be again if we can heal. Relationships can be hardest part of life at times but the more we get to know who we are and what makes us happy and remove all the things that make us sad the more balanced and whole we start to feel. IF I only had one thing to offer from my experience.. never give all of you away, where you feel empty inside. Be steady in your own path with friends and family, school/ work and self care before opening the door to giving all that goodness away. The stronger, the more smiles and less tears….” -PassionGirl