2008 December « passionteam’s Blog

{December 23, 2008} stand close to me don’t sail away

I met my friend whom I’ll call C a while ago. We all know my story. You know, battling depression and battling a habit of cutting and getting over addictions to getting high an smoking. Well. I thought my story was something? C was a lot farther down the drain than I was. I’ve always been able to tread water and keep my head above, occasionally I might go under but it’s only for a short while, I can keep myself up. But no, not C. He was thrashing in the water, often underneath and caught in the undertow. He was pretty low and upset; he was a cocaine user, had horrible depressions were suicide was a constant thought and wish, he’s in foster care where he can’t afford much and he’d come off the streets. Unfortunately I met him because I was who I was and he is who he is but I’m glad to say that now we’ve both changed.

The other day we were talking and he told me how amazing and sweet I am. I said to him, “What!? Me!? What did I do?” and he replied to me with “You made me think twice about my life”. There are absolutely no words to describe how that made me feel. I felt better than when I was in Jackie’s arms believing it would be okay for the first time. I felt better than knowing I’d reached 2 months of being clean on my own. I felt better than I did when I got high. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I REALLY accomplished something. No, I know that being clean is HUGE and taking a step forward within myself is huge too. But it was the feeling that I inspired that change in him. He saw the change I made in myself (or rather, trying to make) and the newly found positive outlooks that I can find because of Jackie and the Passion Project. He took those changes and the lessons I learned for myself and put them into himself.

He is now going to an alternative school, looking for a job, and has started playing guitar again. He is able to smile and laugh and see the world in colour again. I’ve been in that position where it feels like EVERYTHING is gray and there’s no point in living or seeing anything or doing anything because everything just sucks and everything’s bad and there’s no reason in laughing and you can’t enjoy the things that you used to.

Because of Jackie, I got that push and that first motivation to start doing things I enjoy and actually enjoy them. Because of her I also got that first motivation to keep on living. Because of the Passion Project I’ve been able to see myself from another person’s eyes (look at the big me and the little me) and make even more changes to be the person that I can become. Because of the Passion Project I’ve been able to take these lessons and apply them not only to myself but to my friend C. I’ve never been so proud of someone in my life. Jackie’s right when she says that only we can save ourselves, but I also speak true when I say that everyone needs that first motivation. Jackie was mine, and I’m thrilled to say that I am C’s.

“Stand close to me/Don’t sail away, baby/Let them see your heart/Let them see just how beautiful you are/So you head on down/To the bottom of the river just to wash away/All the pain of today and yesterday/And you try so hard/To wash away the spots/But your tears/Just don’t seem to do enough/It’s just too much/Well, darling grab a hand/I promise not to let you stand alone/. . . You’re like nobody else, you see?/. . .Don’t you know you’re special/You’re really something special/So you look into/So you look into the water/And there you are/Just the way you left yourself/All alone/But lift your head/And look across the water/’Cause there you’ll see/All of us together singing/Darling grab a hand/I promise not to let you stand alone. . .”
- You Cry a Tear to Start a River by Between the Trees

Richler.

{December 20, 2008} Gratitude for Attitude

The psychological definition of attitude (according to Wikipedia) is as follows:

An attitude is a hypothetical construct that represents an individual’s degree of like or dislike for an item. Attitudes are generally positive or negative views of a person, place, thing, or event– this is often referred to as the attitude object.

That said, I dislike cleaning. Or..do I ? I mean, isn’t it tiring and boring? Only if I let it be. See, today I was feeling overwhelmed because my apartments hot water pipes burst due to the cold, and at midnight, my apartment started to flood. Fun, right? Yeah, I know, not really. So this morning I was left with a bunch of water to soak up, and did I mention that dirt also escaped from those pipes? Yeah. Funny thing is, I had just thoroughly cleaned the entire bathroom a few days ago. So you can imagine how thrilled I was at the prospect of doing it all over again, plus more. So, I was sitting here all negative for most of the afternoon, dreading doing this dirty work. On top of the bathroom, I had dishes to do, laundry, and vacuuming. I sat on the couch, just looking at everything I had to clean. The more I looked at it, the worse it became – in my mind. I found every excuse in the book as to why I couldn’t do it yet. Too cold, hungry, need a nap..and OH.. there’s an episode of CSI on that I haven’t seen yet. Hello priorities! *Laughs* But finally, I had enough of fearing this mess and I thought “what the heck, I’m gonna just get it done and over with. It’s not that bad.” So I made a playlist full of upbeat music and started with the dishes. Midway through I started thinking “this really isn’t that bad..I’m almost done the kitchen, then comes the bathroom.” All of a sudden, I felt motivated to do the best job I could do. I mean, how good does it feel to see a place that you’ve just made spotless..it feels GREAT! So, believe it or not, I actually started to ENJOY cleaning up the apartment. When it was done, not only did it look great, but I felt great…really!

Long story made short is that my attitude changed my cleaning experience. See, when I was dreading it and thinking about how awful it would be, it was really difficult to initiate. But as soon as I thought positively about it, imagining how good I would feel when it was over, it actually became – dare I say, fun. It’s kind of how I told you all about how I used to think Vancouver was totally unfriendly, and because I walked around with that feeling, it was. But as soon as I let that go, and went out of the house with no preconceptions about people, I actually ended up running into people that were really nice. I’m really figuring this attitude thing out, and it really does make a world of difference.

Awesome things can happen when you have a positive attitude!!!!

- ♥ Butterfly♥

The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.

{December 17, 2008} It is what we make it…

Good evening ladies!

This afternoon I must have walked back and forth from my apartment to the mail room at least half a dozen times. But every time I’d look inside that lonely mailbox, there would be nothing. Well that’s not entirely true, there was a bill from Canada Revenue – fun. So I swallowed my disappointment and wondered what time the mailman will be coming tomorrow. Since I have promised myself to be humble, I will admit it…I’m sad because I haven’t received a single Christmas card from anyone back East. It’s not the physical card that I want, but the thought. But what can I really expect? I cut myself off from everyone who used to be in my life. I threw away all my friends and ceased contact with most of my family as well. There’s only one or two people who actually know my address. How ridiculous of me to expect them to send me good wishes when they don’t even know where I am!

I’m always aware of it, but it’s especially painful this time of year. Everywhere I look, I’m surrounded by Christmas. To me, it’s just a constant reminder of the people I will not be spending it with. Worst of all, I did this to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I will be spending it with my significant other, and I’m grateful for that, but there is still a big something that’s missing , actually a big someone ( Who on the contrary is quite small in size but larger than life in importance.) It’s pretty depressing and I try not to think about it, but it’s hard. But then again, no one said life was easy.

It’s times like this when I really need to remember something. I am a woman and thus capable of doing anything I set my mind to. If there’s something I want changed, and if it’s within my power and I want it badly enough, I can do it!!! The only person standing in my way of a lot of things that I want is me.

But overall, I am fortunate. There are so many other people out there who have absolutely nobody, and some of those people don’t even have a warm bed to go home to at night. So not to minimize my problems or yours, but there is always someone out there who has it worse. Now, I don’t say that to make myself feel better, but it really does make me appreciate what I do have even more. I feel blessed that although I am finding this holiday season to be the most painful yet, I still find it inside myself to smile and say “Merry Christmas” to someone who I think needs to hear it.

In conclusion, if I tell myself that I am going to have an absolutely horrible Christmas, long story made short – I will. So you know what? Yeah, things aren’t exactly the way I’d like them to be but I am going to get through it. Not only will I get through it, but I’m going to make the most out of it. Why? Because I can! *Smiles*

I wish all you girls a Merry Christmas as well and just know that you’re never truly alone unless you let yourself be.

- ♥ Butterfly♥

“Lord (or any other high power you believe in) … grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

{December 13, 2008} this situations unbearable, i’m feeling vulnerable (suggestive content, not suitable for everyone)

“You don’t have to do this.”
“It’s a lot of money. Imagine what I could buy with it.”
“Just get a job. Don’t do this to yourself. Please. It’s not too late to turn back. Listen to that hesitation. Please don’t do this.”
“My cab is here to take me to his house. Get on the skytrain and go.”

He rolled it around in my mouth, it tasted awful. I gagged, but I disregarded it seeing as it was my first time and after all, there was a lot of money involved. I continued onwards, imagining the money. Oh, the money. But I also continued to gag. My friend’s words rang through my head “Please don’t do this. Don’t do this to yourself”. I felt awful for letting my friend down, but no one else had to know. Keep going, I told myself. Kneeling on the ground as he sat on his bed watching tv, I sold myself. I sold my body, I sold my soul, I sold my pride and dignity. I had to keep my eyes shut, it seemed that when I opened them I’d see the disappointment and sadness in my friend’s eyes as she turned to go on the skytrain, knowing that there was no stopping me. The guilt kept building up inside me as I carried on, pausing to gag. He yelled to me, “keep going, slut!” So I did. I went on for what seemed an eternity until finally the gag was effective and all of a sudden the remnants of my dinner are all over his floor. He yelled a bit, bent my face into the floor and threw my clothes at me along with a few tissues to clean it up.

What I did made me feel so low, lower than anyone could ever imagine. I felt like I didn’t deserve the people I surround myself with, I felt like I didn’t deserve the life I have. What would happen if my mother found out what her daughter was doing? She thought I was downtown watching a movie with my friends. Instead I was who-knows-where in Burnaby at some random guy’s house all alone. He pushed me onto the street and went inside and I looked at my reflection in a puddle and cried. I found a bus stop and let it take me where ever it went, eventually I ended up at a skytrain station and found my way to another friend’s house where I sat on my bed and cried.

What’s worse is I was planning to buy drugs with the money – a lot of drugs and a lot of bad drugs. I wanted crack, I wanted cocaine powder, I wanted cigarettes… I got the cigarettes but no drugs, because I didn’t last long I didn’t get much money. I have a history of addiction which matches my addictive personality. At one point I was abusing my asthma inhaler. It says to only inhale 1 or 2 puffs for every 4 hours – I was at 12 or 14. I wanted to feel something, I wanted to feel good and lightheaded and happy and like everything was funny. It felt almost like a high from speed, I couldn’t stop shaking and my heart would race. I also walked faster and took very quick notes in class.

Drugs are the most powerful influence. I never would have given a blowjob on account of having been sexually abused by a babysitter when I was 8. I never would have abused my inhaler if I didn’t need the high. I wouldn’t have lied to my friends, or started getting 35% in classes. I wouldn’t have sold myself.

When I got home I took a 45 minute shower, but I still felt dirty. I felt disgusting and repulsive and revolting, as if I’ve been swimming in an unsanitary sewer. I felt scared and alone. I felt like my world had just fallen apart. I felt like everything I believed in just left me. I wanted to continue to throw up.

Although I think to myself now… would I have carried on if I didn’t vomit?

“My mouth’s shooting blanks, this situations unbearable, I’m feeling vulnerable/Now anyone is free to waltz right in/my temple’s been invaded and there’s nobody guarding it/all over this lonely life”
Devotion and Desire – Bayside

{December 9, 2008} Leadership: Discipline, Vision, Passion, and Conscience

This week we talked about the importance of effective leadership using Stephen Covey’s 8th Habit principles.

There was only 8 in the group this week as one of the team members was studying for an exam and another was sick. After using the Coaching Life Wheel a few weeks back with the girls they had a clearer understanding of balance when Covey talked about how a whole person is constructed of body, mind, heart, and spirit.

Working with young women we went over the four intellectual capacities: Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual and how all played a part in who we are. Not one was better than another but the idea was to find balance in the areas to gain a greater sense of life balance and happiness.

Referring back to their community fairies we then took a look at leaders they currently have in their lives and how Discpline, Vision, Passion, and Conscience are the attributes that makes a leader a success leader from start to finish. The group came up with some amazing suggestions of how discipline, vision, passion, and conscience offer strength to each of their lives.

Although I felt I could have done a bit of a better job at organizing the material (so it was more “user friendly” )this group is so quick to learn and absorb the information. When they moved on to the task of working in twos to come up with their vision for the group, their passion for being part of the team, and their conscience and discpline for staying commitment to the performance date they created some beautiful imaginary and put together some amazing words to describe their leadership abilities.

Every week I am continuously impressed by this group and their ability to move past their barriers and difference and move toward the common goal; reaching outside of themselves to support each other.

The last activity that we worked on was called “their gifts”. I had prepared 16 small squares of decorated paper with a dragonfly on them to symbol a journey and I shared with them the story as to why dragonflies play such an important part of my world. Then I had them write out one attribute/ characterstic that was important to them, to embrace and to grow. I collected their leadership characterstic and put it in a small box. I then had the team plant their feet on the floor, close their eyes, take some deep breaths and focus on the word that they wrote down on their piece of paper. I asked them to imagine what it would feel like to fully embrace and live that word. Then still in a little meditative state I asked them to visualize giving that characteristic to someone else in the room, as a gift to them; imagining them embrace the word. When they were ready I had them open their eyes and pick one piece of paper from the 8 in my hand, explaining that that was their gift for the week. To live out their gift and to report back next week how they were able to utilize that gift in their lives. I gave them each another piece of decorative paper to add another characteristic to their week for themselves.

A thought:

It is not what you have the ability to give yourself that makes you the most successful leader but what you have to give others and your commitment to that truth.

I wish I had more time to create action plans and deeper awareness with this group. I am planning on preparing them some outlines to do in their own time.

5 more Mondays of life skills and on January 26th we are meeting with the director and actresses to start the training for their monologue performances. So very exciting

“Lord (or any other high power you believe in) … grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”