don’t grind, don’t clench.
this is part 2.
my hand is shaking my hands are cold and sweaty. thoughts race and i am slow to catch up. i’m more exhausted than i should be. i feel heavy and every step is like lifting 1,000 bricks just to put them back down and lift them up again, on repeat.
i feel like falling. i just want to collapse. without the drugs i feel incomplete, i feel empty. i just want to stop and melt into the ground. step on me, spit on me, run over me, use me, build me, break me. just know that i’m there.
i’m low.
i’m low because i feel like shit.
i’m low because i’m not high.
my hand is still shaking, my hands still cold and sweaty. i’m still fighting not to grind or clench.
i fight not to turn around and face temptation in the form of vapor.
don’t grind, don’t clench.
my tongue is numb.
again, i’m biting it.
don’t grind, don’t clench.
i close my eyes and imagine i fall back.
i imagine the high.
i take myself back to spring break, back to the relapse, back to the chair… shaking, sweating, biting, chewing…
raw.
pain.
step one, step two. one step at a time. just move forward. i have no destination. the only thing reminding me that this is all real is seeing my breath escape from my mouth as i exhale.
i hold my breath.
and i open my mouth and exhale – just a little.
i watch the warm foggy air almost fight within itself to escape.
and i felt that in a way… i was that warm foggy air, fighting to escape myself just to vanish.
