So we’re supposed to blog about what happens in our lives.

WELL. I went out with this guy for 6 months and I loved him. I’d found out he cheated on me and used me to get to my friends. This was the most important and best relationship I’d had and it turns out it meant nothing.

So I’m hurting.

Isn’t this nice.

I’m going to be like Alanis Morisette and become a man hater.

“I would never wish bad things, but I don’t wish you well” – Kelly Clarkson

I cry because I have post traumatic stress disorder.

I cry because I know I can choose to be happy, but it’s just too hard.

I cry because I’ve lost some good friendships.

I cry because I can’t travel to Quebec this summer to work because of my pain.

I cry because I can’t run or play the sports I love to play.

I cry because I find it so hard to just sit down and complete my homework.

I cry because I am overwhelmed with how much schoolwork I have to catch up with.

I cry because I’m always exhausted.

I cry because I have terrible headaches.

I cry because I get angry and irritated easily.

I cry because I feel pain even when doing simple things like carrying groceries or applying makeup.

I cry because I have all these appointments to go to.

I cry because I don’t feel like I can keep up with my life.

I cry because I don’t think my body is fit for an athlete.

I cry because I’m insecure.

I cry because my dad lives across the country.

I cry because my grandma always shouts at me.

I cry because I feel like my pain limits me to reach my goals.

I cry because at times I feel worthless.

I cry because I hate financial issues.

I cry because I’m stressed about finding a new home to live in.

I cry because I feel like I’ve lost my personality.

 

I cry because at times I feel all alone.

I cry because it’s hard to stop crying.

 

- – purple V

[al]

So A few weekends ago, the Junos were hosted in Vancouver. There was an event called Juno Fan Fare where there was an opportunity to meet with some of the bands/performers. Well I was lucky enough to meet Dallas Green of City and Colour/Alexisonfire and he thought the idea of the Passion Project was really cool, so he posed with a bracelet which I bought for him. Even better was he actually wore it during the ceremony and it was visible when he accepted his award.

I thought that was pretty awesome.

DALLAS GREEN SUPPORTS THE PASSION FOUNDATION, WHY DON’T YOU!?

Richler.

Me with Dallas Green - showing off our bracelets!

Since October the girls and I have been working hard in preparing for a theatre performance in what seemed to be light years away… Now we have 2.5 months to go and its crunch time

9 young women. countless real stories in real times…  addiction. peer pressure. sex. body image. boys. family. education. school. anxiety. depression. grief. spiralling thoughts. cutting. eating disorders. change. empowerment

The team: 9 local actresses, one photographer, the girls, and I with a tremendous amount community support, this is the launch of the Passsion Foundation.

Thanks to Havana’s on Commercial Dr one (hopefully sunny Sunday this year will be put 8 months of growth, exploration of life skills, and theatre training into use.. how exciting?!

Part of me is sad that all the girls that started in this project havent been able to stay committed to this project but that’s reality… life happens and these young women continue to be bombarded by pressures. There are 9 others though that have amazing stories that are raw, heartfelt, real, inspiring, and a real presentation of all the young women I’ve worked with over the years!

In addition to this amazing experience we have a few of the girls in the group working toward creating some amazing new project for their peers and our book is to be finished later this year with 100% proceeds going back into programming for young women in Canada and sponsorship of our sister programs in Kenya. (I’ll be posting a story shortly about a young woman in Kenya who has started some incredible work with young women and in the process of taking on an amazing endeavour on her own account, the Passion Foundation Kenya!  )

Fade in…. fade out. Fade in… fade out… blur.

My head slowly rolls back and I look up. Nothing. Look left, look right. Nothing.

I take a sip of sprite, but the carbonated drink makes me nauseous. It almost burns as it crawls down my dry throat. My hand shakes as I put it back down and a soft moan slips out from between my lips.

Fade in, fade out.

I open my eyes and realize my tongue is pressed between my teeth.

Don’t grind. Don’t clench. Don’t grind. Don’t clench.

My tongue is numb.

I hear a ring, but it’s distant. I think it’s my cell phone. I reach out my hand and I feel my phone. It’s heavier than it should be. It takes me a few grabs, but I answer it. It’s difficult to speak.

My tongue is numb.

I let out a soft hello. It’s my friend.

Fade in, fade out.

I can’t talk right now, sorry. I’m fine. I’m just… tired. Yeah. Tired. I can’t go to bed, I have too much energy. Really. I’m fine. I need to go.

Fade in, fade out. Fade in, fade out. Blur.

My tongue is numb.

I place my phone back on the side table.

My vision is blurred. Who was I talking to?

It doesn’t matter.

Fade in, fade out. Blur.

“What are you feeling?”

“What?”

“What are you feeling?”

“Oh. I don’t feel.”

My tongue is numb.

“What about your thoughts?”

“Well… I don’t have any thoughts. It’s like in the morning and the fog suddenly comes on and it’s thick. It’s blank and it’s empty. My mind is clouded and blank and empty.”

“Just sit back and relax, just sit back and relapse again.” – Panic! At the Disco

“These children learn from cigarette burns… all these asphyxiated self medicated take the white pill, you’ll feel alright” - 3OH!3

 

Richler

A couple months ago I got an email from a woman by the name of Susan Macaulay a Canadian residing in Dubai. Susan was on her Twitter and found an update of mine that I wrote about a book I have been working on called Phenomenal Women. After finding my website Susan felt compelled to say hello and hear more about what I was working on and see how we could help each other out.

Turns out Susan has this amazing new venture called Amazing Women Rock www.amazingwomenrock.com and after looking over her site and her work I was so amazed at how one woman could make such a jump in life to give back and raise awareness of what young women are facing around the world.  It is with this that I feel inspired to write about Susan as a Woman of the Month. Her story, energy, and dedication to raising awareness in an area that needs much attention is something that I believe should be recognized.

So I asked Susan a few questions in light of my inspiration by her work and wanted to share it with all of you:

Susan’s Day of Birth: January 28, 1956

Favourite Quote: Oh! There are so many… I’ve got one pinned up on my board at the moment that says:

“Try not to become a person of success, but rather a person of value.”

I copied it from somewhere, and I have no idea who said it, but it’s this week’s favourite. Ask me again next week, and I’ll probably tell you something different…

Where does your passion come from?

Ironically, I think my passion to celebrate and empower women may come from my own needs and shortcomings. Other people inevitably perceive me as powerful, confident and capable. And in many ways I am. On the other hand,in many ways I feel I’m not. I often feel weak, lost and incapable. Maybe I’m giving to others what I most need myself!

What do you love most about your life?

This is a hard one to answer, because there are SO MANY things I love about my life at the moment. I love the freedom and flexibility of being self-employed and being my own boss. I love the fact that I discover and learn new things every day. I love that I’m connected with all kinds of people, women and men, of all ages, nationalities, races and religions allaround the world. I love that having no paid work (because of the recession), is giving me the opportunity to grow AWR. I love that my love for life keeps expanding!

What is your hope over the next year with AWR?

I hope AWR will continue to grow and get better. I hope it will impact the lives of more and more women (and men), in positive, empowering ways. I hope I will find the resources (human, financial, technical, administrative, etc.) to keep growing and developing it.

Any pets? Nope

If you could say anything to a young women looking for her dreams what would it be?

Never give up! All your life experiences, whether they are joyful or not, are building blocks that will help you to achieve your dreams. We all experience pain and sorrow; it’s part of being human. Compared to others, I haven’t suffered much. But I feel my small struggles are great gifts, because they enable me to be more compassionate and empathetic toward others. Try to find a deeper meaning in your experiences. The meaning may simply be that the experience is allowing you to discover more about yourself. That in itself is a gift. If you don’t see the meaning immediately, wait, be patient; it may be years, maybe even a whole lifetime before all is revealed. And sometimes I think we may never know why a particular event occurred, that’s okay too. Life is a continuous journey of discovery. Use all of your senses, gifts and abilities to explore it. Be passionate. Be enthusiastic. Be open. Be yourself. Laugh a lot. Cry a lot. Spend time with your friends andfamily. Make LOTS of mistakes ­ it’s the best way to learn. You may stumble, fall or slide backward ­ get up, dust yourself off and keep going. Every single step is part of your journey. Savour each one. Experience each one it all its fullness. Live. Simply. Abundantly. Joyfully.

To find out more about Susan and her work :

http://www.amazingwomenrock.com/component/option,com_story/Itemid,92/id,102/

Thanks Susan for taking this journey, aligning with us here at Passion and connecting young women around the world… Can’t wait to see where this new relationship goes

DO YOU KNOW AN AMAZING WOMAN WHO WE SHOULD BLOG ABOUT?

Email me:  Loretta Cella, Founder, Passion Foundation info@thepassionfoundation.com

www.thepassionfoundation.com

She is African, Aboriginal, Asian, Caucasian, European… SHE is Latina

She comes from a family who is rich, poor, and middle class blur collar family

Her mother, …. her mother is a doctor, a lawyer, secretary, cleaning lady, a foster mother, a sex trade worker

When she was young she was hopeful and shone like the sun

Something happened when she turned 11, 12, 13, 14, and 15 something developed that was only a little bit there as a child

Now… now… ohhh….now the rays of sunlight only shine through the deep grey clouds that loom above her most of the time…

She has many “friends”, she’s the jock, the dancer, the musician, the “prinnnccccccess”, the joker, the bully, and occasionaly that girl who wears all black.

She has seen so many dark and overpowering things in her life and questions the words of most people, wondering ” What do they want from me?” She quietly cried herself to sleep every night hoping that no one hears, praying that someone would rescue her tomorrow, even if it means….. her dying.

She struggles with LIFE and LOVe and EVERYTHING in between if not … almost every day!

She cuts and uses, and throws her potential away cause REALLY ….

“What potential do I REALLY have? I mean come on.. daily I am fat, ugly, poor, the SNOBBY rich girl.. depending on who’s talkin’! I came from a messss-ED up family, the kids at school- let’s just say I get bullied everyday and NO ONE does anything!

I use the boys and the boys use me cause, well, let’s be real I need things too.. IT may not be right but I get what I want out of it too.. Food, drugs, money, sometimes though.. it doesnt turn out that great…..But I can fix that with partying after…  I mean really.. what potential do I really have anyways? You tell me!”

She is the girl the who has a strong exterior, a story,  and well….her challenges but she still dreams.. Even if the dream seems to be soo far away like it was Once Upon a time.. its there… we just have to bring it out more for it to become real again….

She has potential, boy does she ever and sees it how it is,

“It’s not so cloudy any more……(she smiles a little half grin and walks away)

“I dont just see miserable people everywhere I see happy ones too know and I know they arent being fake and for once they dont want to make me barf”

“I am real, I’ve been through so much, but now, I have real people to help, to talk, to learn with, and what I hear I can also teach people something too myself… weird!”

“I am grateful for my new day, my new vision, my new struggles because they are what really make me strong. I feel whole and can smile daily… really? I know, weird huh?”

…. And WE, We are the PASSION TEAM, WE are real girls, with real stories, and believe that… anything is possible!

I’m guessing many people wonder why I call myself Purple V. I guess it’s been one of the few things about my body image that I’ve had to accept. My forehead has this big purple V (from my veins) and it’s seen cause of my pale skin. It usually shows up when my face gets red or white (when i’m nervous, cold, hot, embarassed, crying, ect.) and I’ve had it every since I was born. All through elementary school kids would make comments. Like after presentations, I would sit back to my seat and my friends would say “hey, it’s your purple V again!” which then, of course, made me feel pretty self-concious. I’ve totally forgotten about my purple v through my past 3.5 years in highschool. It wasn’t untill one night (a week before I started blogging on wordpress) I was brushing my teeth and I looked into the mirror and I was like “whoa, I totally forgot about it,” but it doesn’t bother me anymore. It’s a part of me, and I can’t do anything about it.

The most major thing I’ve learned to accept about myself was my body shape. I never liked my whide hips, big butt&thighs&calves, wide feet, wide shoulders, and a long neck. Once grade nine came along and I saw the changes in my body… I hated it. I was this athletic girl surrounded by these athletes with “perfect” builds. It wasn’t untill I had to stop running (due to a chronic back&neck issue) that I had to change my mind set and be happy that I’m healthy, have the talent to do well in sports and am aware & have to drive to stay healthy. (Although, I still get a bit frusterated with the fact that my long neck is slowing my neck pains healing process)

It’s all about self exploration, understanding, and accepting who you are.

- – purple V

[al]

I met my friend whom I’ll call C a while ago. We all know my story. You know, battling depression and battling a habit of cutting and getting over addictions to getting high an smoking. Well. I thought my story was something? C was a lot farther down the drain than I was. I’ve always been able to tread water and keep my head above, occasionally I might go under but it’s only for a short while, I can keep myself up. But no, not C. He was thrashing in the water, often underneath and caught in the undertow. He was pretty low and upset; he was a cocaine user, had horrible depressions were suicide was a constant thought and wish, he’s in foster care where he can’t afford much and he’d come off the streets. Unfortunately I met him because I was who I was and he is who he is but I’m glad to say that now we’ve both changed.

The other day we were talking and he told me how amazing and sweet I am. I said to him, “What!? Me!? What did I do?” and he replied to me with “You made me think twice about my life”. There are absolutely no words to describe how that made me feel. I felt better than when I was in Jackie’s arms believing it would be okay for the first time. I felt better than knowing I’d reached 2 months of being clean on my own. I felt better than I did when I got high. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I REALLY accomplished something. No, I know that being clean is HUGE and taking a step forward within myself is huge too. But it was the feeling that I inspired that change in him. He saw the change I made in myself (or rather, trying to make) and the newly found positive outlooks that I can find because of Jackie and the Passion Project. He took those changes and the lessons I learned for myself and put them into himself.

He is now going to an alternative school, looking for a job, and has started playing guitar again. He is able to smile and laugh and see the world in colour again. I’ve been in that position where it feels like EVERYTHING is gray and there’s no point in living or seeing anything or doing anything because everything just sucks and everything’s bad and there’s no reason in laughing and you can’t enjoy the things that you used to.

Because of Jackie, I got that push and that first motivation to start doing things I enjoy and actually enjoy them. Because of her I also got that first motivation to keep on living. Because of the Passion Project I’ve been able to see myself from another person’s eyes (look at the big me and the little me) and make even more changes to be the person that I can become. Because of the Passion Project I’ve been able to take these lessons and apply them not only to myself but to my friend C. I’ve never been so proud of someone in my life. Jackie’s right when she says that only we can save ourselves, but I also speak true when I say that everyone needs that first motivation. Jackie was mine, and I’m thrilled to say that I am C’s.

“Stand close to me/Don’t sail away, baby/Let them see your heart/Let them see just how beautiful you are/So you head on down/To the bottom of the river just to wash away/All the pain of today and yesterday/And you try so hard/To wash away the spots/But your tears/Just don’t seem to do enough/It’s just too much/Well, darling grab a hand/I promise not to let you stand alone/. . . You’re like nobody else, you see?/. . .Don’t you know you’re special/You’re really something special/So you look into/So you look into the water/And there you are/Just the way you left yourself/All alone/But lift your head/And look across the water/’Cause there you’ll see/All of us together singing/Darling grab a hand/I promise not to let you stand alone. . .”
- You Cry a Tear to Start a River by Between the Trees

Richler.

I had to go out in the snow today to get groceries. Halfway there I surprised the heck out of my boyfriend by throwing myself in the snow and making a snow angel. People passing stopped to look at me. Perhaps they were thinking “what is that woman doing down in the snow?” I assume those people have never done it themselves.  It’s amazing what little things like that can do for your inner child. You’re never too old to make a snow angel, or a snow man, or even to let a snow flake fall on your tongue.

Stay warm and again, Happy Holidays!!!!!!!!!!

- ♥ Butterfly♥